THE WORST SCI-FI PREQUEL EVER!
Live action short screenplay

1 OPENING CREDITS
...in front of starfield. Once they are complete, pan down to see...

2 EARTH
...and we get closer and closer to it in a series of cuts until we break through the cloud layer and see...

3 CAPE CANAVERAL
...with the vehicle assembly building and a large rocketship next to it. The rocketship has tons of girders laced around it from
the adjacent gantry.

4 EXT GENERAL RIGEL'S OFFICE
...establishing shot...at the Cape.

5 INT. GENERAL RIGEL's OFFICE
...with Captain Proxima entering and sitting down.

    General Rigel
    Good day to you, Captain Proxima...I trust you're rather excited about your upcoming mission?

Captain Proxima acknowledges, but doesn't say anything.

    General Rigel
    Well, I've recently caught wind of the fact that the new Festus ship, scheduled for our mission to Saturn in three
    days, will be using a brand-new, science-fictioney nuclear rocket drive. Is this really true?

    Captain Proxima
    Uh, yes...that was announced in the press three years ago.

    General Rigel
    Oh, well, I've also heard that some of the test firings of this new engine have been, shall we say, less than
    favorable?

    Captain Proxima
    Well, the early tests three years ago were rather bad, but...

    General Rigel
    Would this be any reason to cancel your mission?

    Captain Proxima
    (aghast)
    Oh no-no-no!

    General Rigel
    Oh, and one more thing...Our new chief scientist, Dr. Arcturus, has come down with German measles, and I'm
    afraid he won't be able to participate in the mission.

    Captain Proxima
    Who's going to go in her place?

General Rigel shuffles through some papers.

    General Rigel
    Let's see, it's someone from the European Planetary Exploration Symposium...Ah, here it is...
    (reacts)
    He's called, uh, the "Duke of Logan..."

6 CAPTAIN PROXIMA (ANGLE)
...reaction

7 SPACE DISPLAYS
The Duke of Logan is walking around by some public space displays and taking pictures while eating an apple. He makes
some remarks about the displays, and we find that he speaks in a British accent. While he is doing this, an official-looking
person shows up.

    Official-looking person
    The um...(reacts)...Duke of, uh, Logan?

    Duke Logan
    Yes?

    Official-looking person
    You've, uh, been summoned off to a meeting about, um, the Festus...

8 PRESS CONFERENCE
General Rigel is standing by a slide projector which is displaying images of the new Festus ship, a pointy rocketship. The
images change periodically.

        General Rigel

          Festus is a name wisely chosen for the Space Command's new interplanetary ship by Sarah Bartons of
          Springfield, Illinois, in a naming contest held last year. Festus is a proud name and has been borne on many
          vessels since the early days of exploration. Eric the Red first discovered the Americas in a Festus longboat. A
          Festus accompanied the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria on their historic voyage to Ohio. A battleship
          named the Festus fought in the Battle of Midway, and was responsible for sinking twenty Japanese ships. And
          lastly, NASA's seventh Space Shuttle (OV-106) was known as the Festus.

A cutaway view of the Festus ship is seen on the screen.

          The new Festus ship is the latest in state-of-the-art technology which incorporates a plethora of new paradigms
          and mechanisms in its construction. Standing 123 meters tall, it uses a nuclear rocket engine to propel it to a
          destination of anywhere within the solar system. The entire spaceship can be operated by only two people for the
          duration of the journey, while the rest of its crew will be kept in a state of cryo-freeze until the ship reaches its
          destination.

The slide changes to show a lifting-body aircraft.

        General Rigel

          For planetary landings, the ship is equipped with a lifting-body landing vehicle that also carries enough fuel to fly
          back into orbit after the mission is complete.

The slide changes again to show Saturn.

        General Rigel

          The destination of our mission is Saturn, the sixth planet in from the sun, and the beauty and enigma of the solar
          system. It is the second-largest planet next to Jupiter, and the rings are made of orbiting ice crystals and rocks
          which were...uh yes, question?

A reporter stands up with a notepad.

    Reporter #1
    Is is true that a Briton will accompany Captain Proxima on the trip to Saturn?

    Duke Logan
    Why yes, that's me.

    Reporter #2
    Have you ever played cricket?

    Duke Logan
    Of course I have!

    Reporter #2
    What I mean by that is, do you understand the game?

    Duke Logan
    Of course I don't!

    General Rigel
    Ah, well, uh, anyway...about Saturn, it's um, now where was I?

9 FESTUS ON PAD
Establishing shot. Depending on how ambitious we feel, a helicopter may fly by.

10 FESTUS ENTRYWAY
Captain Proxima and Duke Logan enter the Festus, and the door is shut behind them.

11 INT. FESTUS BRIDGE
The two are flipping switches and going through a checklist. A voice over the comm hints at the existence of a mission control.

    Capcom (o.c.)
    We are go for launch! I repeat! We are go for launch of the Festus!

12 COCOA BEACH
...with spectators lining up on it to watch. We could find some stock footage of this easily enough.

13 FESTUS LAUNCHES
...and it goes up on a pillar of flame. This effect will be provided by the WAEC, of course.

14 INT. FESTUS BRIDGE
The crew are having a charachteristically rough ride, and reporting measurements as they go up.

15 EXT. FESTUS
...as it rises through the atmosphere.

16 INT. FESTUS BRIDGE
The shaking stops, and things start to float.

    Captain Proxima
    We are in a state of weightlessness...Preparing to initiate engine burn towards Saturn.

17 FESTUS IN SPACE
...with the Earth below.

18 FESTUS FIRES ENGINE TOWARDS SATURN
...and disappears into infinity. Fade to black.

19 INT. FESTUS BRIDGE
Several months later, and the ship is almost at Saturn. Captain Proxima floats in the Captain's chair and eats a banana. Duke
Logan grabs his cell-phone out of the air and dials a number into it.

          Duke Logan
          Hello, is this the PR department of the European Planetary Exploration Symposium?...No, I don't want to talk to
          a machine, I want to talk to a person!...Yes, this is the Duke of Logan...Oh, hello...yes...I'm having quite a good
          time on this mission...No, we haven't seen any martians yet...Oh yes, I'm enjoying zero-g a great deal...do
          what?...no, I don't think that would be a very good idea...what's that again?...I didn't catch that...No, really, try to
          talking very quickly, the Doppler effect is doing something wierd to your voice...

20 INT FESTUS BRIDGE
...mostly as before, except now Saturn appears in the window, and the crew members are doing different things. Duke Logan
is studying the computer console.

    Duke Logan
    Captain, there's a hail coming from, uh, Titan...

    Captain Proxima
    (reacts)
    From where?

    Duke Logan
    Uh, I think, Titan...

    Captain Proxima
    Well, put it through.

Duke Logan turns some dials and a bedraggled-looking person who appears to be outside appears on the screen. He's called
ABDUCTEE in the screenplay.

    Captain Proxima
    This is Captain Proxima of the USSC interplanetary ship Festus. Who are you, and what are your intentions?

    Abductee
    I'm on Titan, and I've been abducted by aliens! I've only now managed to escape!

    Captain Proxima
    Aliens? What kind of aliens?

    Duke Logan
    Did they have big black eyes?

    Abductee
    No, they don't even have bodies! They're these wierd, non- coporeal lifeforms that are taking a keen interest in
    Earth. They have been studying Earth for some time.

    Duke Logan
    (reacts)
    Were they responsible for the Roswell incident?

    Captain Proxima
    No! Of course not! That's been proven to be a terrestrial aircraft for years.

    Duke Logan
    Oh yeah.

    Abductee
    Hey! Pay attention to me! I'm trying to give you a warning! DON'T GO TO TITAN!

    Duke Logan
    Well, that was first on our itenerary...

    Abductee
    No, you're not paying attention to me! It's dangerous here! You wouldn't believe the terrible time I had just trying
    to scrape together enough spare parts to build a transistor videoradio. These light beings are ruthless! DON'T
    GO TO TITAN!

The image of the abductee disappears in a fog of static.

    Duke Logan
    That guy's in trouble! We'd better go rescue him!

    Captain Proxima
    Full speed to Titan!

21 EXT. FESTUS
...as it heads towards Titan.

22 EXT. FESTUS
...as it arrives at Titan.

23 INT. FESTUS BRIDGE
...almost as before, except the videoradio is not turned on.

    Captain Proxima
    To the planetary landing shuttle!

    Duke Logan
    Aye, aye, sir!

24 EXT. FESTUS
...as it releases the lifting body shuttle, which then drops into the atmosphere.

25 INT. LIFTING-BODY SHUTTLE
The interior of the shuttle is very cramped. Captain Proxima, who is piloting, is sitting behind Duke Logan.

    Duke Logan
    I'm detecting massive energy readings in the northern hemisphere...and a breathable atmosphere! This day just
    gets wierder and wierder!

25 EXT. TITAN
...as the shuttle lands in a field. The sky looks red.

26 EXT. SHUTTLE
...as the captain and the duke get out and look around.

    Captain Proxima
    I had no idea Titan had a breathable atmosphere!

A laser beam lances down from a nearby hill and kicks up some dust and dirt into the air. Both humans draw their lasers and
fire at the origin of the shot. They hear a scream, and they run up to investigate.

27 HILL ON TITAN
...as the main characters run up and find a Willmark alien lying on the ground.

    Captain Proxima
    (reacts)
    These light beings must use other species to do their dirty work...It's too bad that first contact with another
    species would end up with us killing the alien...

    Duke Logan
    That's a bleepin' dead alien.

    Willmark Alien
    I'm not dead.

    Captain Proxima
    I think the dead alien just said something.

    Willmark Alien
    I'm not dead!

    Duke Logan
    He's saying something about the lodging accomodations on this planet.

    Willmark Alien
    I'M NOT DEAD, YOU IDIOTS!

    Captain Proxima
    Oh! He's not dead! It's good we got that cleared up!

The Willmark Alien reacts and lies back down on the ground with a scowl on his face. The humans take his gun and run up the
hill.

28 CLIMBING MONTAGE
Montage of scenes showing the characters climbing up the hill in this beautiful, unspecified location. This will be reminiscient of
the similar scene in The Worst Sci-Fi Trilogy Conclusion, which I believe was my brainchild. This one won't be as long.

29 EXT. STRANGE CAVE
Our heroes arrive at a small cave in the side of some rock.

    Duke Logan
    Accoring to my CRAZY TECH TERM, the greatest concentration of strange energy is right here.

They enter the cave.

30 INT. STRANGE CAVE
...as our heroes enter it with caution. They have lights that they wave around the cave. Duke Logan goes off to one side to see
if a tunnel leads off, which Captain Proxima examines some writing on a stone in the back.

    Captain Proxima
    This is very strange writing. I wonder what it means.

Duke Logan comes over.

    Duke Logan
    I have absoloutely no idea.

They look at the writing for a short while, and take a few pictures of it.

    Captain Proxima
    (reacts)
    This rock feels hot.

    Duke Logan
    It should! My DIFFERENT CRAZY TECH TERM is detecting massive energy buildups behind this tablet!

    Captain Proxima
    Let's get out of here!

They beat it out of the cave.

30 EXT. STRANGE CAVE
...as our heroes exit.

31 FURTHER AWAY FROM STRANGE CAVE
...as our characters scramble down some rocks and away from the cave. On the run, they find a few more Willmark aliens
milling about, and they join the heroes.

32 HILL ON TITAN
The Willmark alien is still lying there with the scowl on his face. Our heroes and the aliens run by and drag him along.

33 EXT. SHUTTLE
...as our main characters and the aliens pile into the shuttle and close the hatch.

34 EXT. TITAN
The shuttle lifts off and heads for space.

35 EXT. FESTUS
The shuttle nestles into the underside of the shuttle.

36 INT. FESTUS BRIDGE
The aliens picked up on Titan, our heroes, and some more people we don't recognize, are sitting around (although they're
supposedly floating) on the bridge of the Festus. They're eating, drinking, and being merry (although they're doing far less
drinking than in our most recent movie). Captain Proxima is talking to General Rigel on the videoradio.

          Captain Proxima
          ...and after we made it back to the ship, we found out that the actual location of the transmission we had recieved
          earlier was directly behind that stone we found in the cave. The transmission must have been a trick to lure us
          towards that cave.

    General Rigel
    Good job, Captain! I admire your wise leadership decisions.

          Captain Proxima
          But I'm not done with my story yet. Using high-tech faster- than-light video-conferencing technology, we were
          able to sign a peace treaty with the Willmarks, from planet Willmark. Zyrtan, Zyrgor, and Xibarn helped
          negotiate, and set up the video ansible.

The aliens give their greetings to General Rigel.

    Captain Proxima
    Oh, that new technology is how I'm able to speak to you in real time.

    General Rigel
    I was wondering...

    Captain Proxima
    ...so with that done, we just woke up the other crew members out of cryo-sleep, and threw the party.

    General Rigel
    Fascinating narrative! I'd love to hear more, but I have to get to a staff meeting.

The General's image vanishes from the screen.

37 DUKE LOGAN (ANGLE)
In a relaxed pose.

    Duke Logan
    We're going home...

Fade to end credits.

THE END.